Hello my fellow followers of few,

I’ve been feeling odd; depressed almost. I haven’t been sticking to my usual routine. I’ve gone off randomly into uncharted waters. I think I figured out my problem. I think that I disregarded my own rules and fell in love when I knew it was a pointless thing to do. I had already known I couldn’t be loved like I wanted, but was still hopeful. I was put into situations with this person that made it seem like there was hope, a slight chance. Hope was my downfall. It was that leg that tripped me and sent me plummeting down the spiraling stairs. I am better now. I’ve figured out what was wrong with me. It took me a short period of time to stamp out that ridiculous idea of being loved by a ridiculous person whom I know could never possibly be mine. I smiled more today than I’ve done in a long while and I didn’t even interact with a single person all day. I am probably the last person on the planet to admit to falling in love. I hate the very idea of letting another person control my actions and influence my decisions, so it’s strange for me to admit it now. The idea of giving part of my soul to another person only to watch them tear it to little bits is maddening. It leaves me feeling empty.

It was wonderful waking up late because I skipped school. I woke up just in time to make lunch. It was the first time in weeks I could stomach a full meal. It was a lunch I had made many times before, but it made me happy when I realized I could actually finish eating it. Lately food has been a nightmare. I could hardly stomach anything at all without wanting to throw up. Today I danced to music in my head. I wonder if maybe this sudden spike of happiness is a sign that I’m getting better, or just a random moment of relief until I dive back into the way I was yesterday.
People are the disease. They get under your skin and are almost impossible to get out. The funny thing is sometimes they don’t want to be there, but because you think about them every day, almost every hour, they can’t escape you.
I think I’m going to stick with the people who tell me they love me. I won’t have to chase foolish hope. The almost two months of sickness have finally ended. I am mentally well again. I am not as strong as I am usually, but if I’m truly better, I will be in a few days. I can eat, sleep, and focus again. I can’t quite keep full control of my thoughts and steer them away from fallacy and illogical instances, but I am close.

Adieu,

Alexia Po.

If you have time, pray for me. For my strength, my wellness, and that I will be able to succeed where I think I will most likely fail.

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